Leider habe ich seit einem halben Jahr keinen Blog mehr geschrieben.
Ich verbrachte die meiste Zeit in meiner alten Heimat, schrieb und inszenierte ein Theaterstück. Leider machte das, trotz Widrigkeiten und Konflikte einen so großen Spaß, dass mein angeschlagenes Liebesverhältnis zu Deutschland seinen letzten Dolchstoß erlitten hat.
Ich habe jetzt die Wahnidee, dass jeder, der etwas gelernt, Wissen und Erfahrungen gesammelt hat, das früher oder später nach Hause bringen muss. Die Heldenreise endet immer mit einer Rückkehr, der Held bringt das Elixier nach Hause. Das ist in jedem Märchen so, in jedem Mythos und so steht es auch im Dramaturgiebuch. Wenn das nicht stattfindet, dann ist entweder der Held tot, oder die Geschichte schlecht.
Ich lasse die Kreise schließen, sonst drehe ich mich im Kreis. Ich schaue nach unten.
Auf der Straße liegt kaltes, dunkles Wasser, Schlammspuren, an den Füssen Billigware, immer gründlich geputzt aber kein Design, kein feiner unsichtbarer, arschteuerer Stil, nix mit Zeit Magazin und „Entdeckungen der Woche“, statt dessen billige und politisch unkorrekte Massenware, es riecht nach China und Indien, in den Köpfen nach einer nie hinterfragten Identität, die langsam dahinschmilzt, in ihre Einzelteile zerlegt wird, vakuumgegart, aufs Trockeneis gelegt, als Eisbein flüssig gemacht, als Kartoffelpüree lila eingefärbt.
Keine Alchemie. Molekularküche. Nur die Form ändert sich, der Inhalt bleibt.
Der Weg vom Theater nach Hause ist kurz, wie alle Wege. Das kleinstädtisch enge, kleine, überschaubare, das dumme, vorurteilbehaftete, engstirnige, das liebe ich. Die Fehler die nie verziehen werden, der Argwohn, der einen nie verlässt, die Kneipen, immer von den gleichen Leuten gefüllt, die mittlerweile Küssdiehand grüßen, all das gibt meiner Existenz die nötige Schwere um mich wohl zu fühlen. Kleinstadt ist, wenn man siebenundzwanzig Jahre lang nicht zum Geburtstag eingeladen wird, weil sich damals der Freund der besten Freundin, der Ehefrau des Gastgebers in einem verliebt hatte. Das ist Tradition.
Jeden Abend sitze ich in der Kneipe, wie vor siebenundzwanzig Jahren. Meine Kinder habe ich in großelterlicher Obhut gegeben, also abandonniert. Es ist die Hochphase der Arbeit, wir proben von morgens bis abends und sitzen dann bis morgens in der Kneipe. In meinem Theaterstück geht es darum, wie Mütter ihre Kinder unglücklich machen, indem sie, sie alleine lassen. Ich frage mich, ob mein Sohn schon angefangen hat seinen Theaterstück zu schreiben. Oder zumindest zu zeichnen als Comic. Die Tochter kann ja noch nicht sprechen.
Ich vermisse die Kinder nicht, das ist eine erschreckende Nachricht. Ich bin aber nicht erschrocken. Denn ich bilde mir ein, immer jünger zu werden. Die Leute, die mir am Anfang noch küssdiehand gegrüßt haben, machen mir mittlerweile den Hof.
Es soll dir egal sein, was ich von dir denke. - schreibt er, ein super Schauspieler, kein Adonis, aber irgendwie rührend.
Warum?
Weil ich nicht derjenige bin, der dich küsst.
Du küsst doch jede.
Aber keine Ehefrauen, mit zwei Kindern.
Das ist sehr ehrenwert von dir. Und überaus weise.
Ich liebe dich…Na ja.
Was heißt „na ja“?
Nichts. Es ist ein Füllwort.
Aha…Bist du noch da?… Bist du jetzt in Depression verfallen?
Nein, ich trinke Wein mit meinem Mitbewohner.
Wie viel habt ihr schon getrunken?
Zwei Flaschen. Jeweils.
Ach so.
Verlasse deinen Mann und brenne mit mir durch.
In Indien könnte ich deine Mutter sein.
Na und? Ich verspreche dir, dass ich bei dir bleibe, bis du fünfzig wirst.
Das finde ich eine super Aussicht. Scheidung, drei unglückliche Kinder und dann mit fünfzig alleine. Gefällt mir.
Leider war es zu Hause sehr schön. Es ist herrlich von Besoffenen umgeben zu sein und sinnloses Zeug zu reden. Sich große Gefühle einzubilden, wo eigentlich nichts ist. Dummheiten zu machen, Fehler. Sich masslos daneben zu benehmen. Skandal zu verursachen. Am nächsten Tag enttäuscht zu sein, verkatert, unglücklich, voller Weltschmerz. Dazu Tom Waits hören, Zigaretten rauchen und so viele Kaffees trinken, bis einem schlecht wird. Das gefällt mir sehr gut.
Leider bin ich jetzt wieder in meinem sehr vernünftigen Leben zurück und habe auch schon einen Lebkuchenhaus gebacken. Und einen Blog geschrieben. Wieder mal. Obwohl, viel Sinn, macht das auch nicht.
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Du schreibst so intensiv, dass mir gar nicht aufgefallen ist, dass es schon so lange her ist, seit ich von Dir las…
Liebe Réka,
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Zuhause ist, wo du nicht ersetzbar bist. Heimat ist, wo du nicht egal bist. Manchmal überschneiden sich die Orte und die Begriffe.
Was sollen wir nur tun? Sollen wir die Flasche ins Meer werfen? Oder sie hoch oben in der geheimen Kammer eines imaginären Bergschlosses aufbewahren, wo unseren Töchtern unter Todesstrafe nie der Eintritt gewährt wird?
Ich bin momentan in einer Phase meines Lebens, wo ich 25 Jahre alte, vergilbende Bilder herhole und sie per Luftpost 7000 km weit weg nach Übersee schicke, damit ich sie mit Sicherheit nie wieder sehen kann – zum Zerschneiden habe ich keinen Mut.
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Liebe Flaschengeister der Vergangenheit, jetzt weiss ich schon: ich hätte Euch nie wegschliessen sollen, Euch nie die Freiheit berauben sollen. Ich hätte meine Träume nie wegschliessen sollen.
Das ist mein Weihnachtsgeschenk. Endlich wieder böse Worte von Réka.
Liebe Réka.
Ich habe schon darauf gewartet, wieder etwas von dir zu lesen.
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Argwohn, Suff, zu viel Kaffee?
Das klingt für mich wie Schattenboxen.
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Ich weiß gar nix, ganz ehrlich. Ich versuche nur, zu sagen, was ich fühle.)
Ansonsten fehlst du mir.
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